Utterances of the Damned

* I don't have the bandwidth -- A perfectly fine word for the transmission capacity of electronic communications has been transmogrified into a business cliché for personal time. Even in its correct form the word has been dying since 2005, so the unoriginality is twice as acute. The next time a colleague complains of a lack of bandwidth, might I suggest that you engage in a little wordplay of your own. Tell them that, based on their bi-weekly trip to the Macaroni Grill, they have plenty of "band width."

* There you go -- This patronizing response to another's attempt at humor is the spoken equivalent to a pat on the head (and is usually accompanied by a preening smile and a "you-da-man!" finger point). Please, either serve up a full-throttle, white-lie laugh or have the honesty to level with your office's Pauly Shore about his lack of comic skills.

* Sooner, rather than later -- Are not the final three words strongly implied by the first? Indeed, a full 75% of this bizarre expression of urgency is unnecessary. Imagine the same cadence in other situations: "This coffee's too hot, rather than cold." "Pump me harder, rather than softer!" (Apologies -- I never miss a chance to paraphrase from the late-night Cinemax classic, Shaving Ryan's Privates.)