You're a Fool. Literally.

On a recent Today Show, chirpy, self-loving weekend anchor Jenna Wolfe made, as the unintelligent often do, a verbal gaffe of inclusion. During one of those idiotic wildlife segments, Ms. Rose was holding a snake when the frightened reptile relieved itself on her arm. Her eloquent response: "Oh my God. It literally peed on me!"

Forget the breathless, teenage-like first part and pay close attention to her unfortunate use of the misunderstood and over-utilized adverb. "Literally" should never be used as a mere point of emphasis (it is not synonymous with "really"), nor as an intensive before a figurative expression (you can't say "I'm literally going to throw you to the wolves" unless you really are).

So, Ms. Wolfe, unless you were artfully contrasting what happened with novelistic, existential snake urination, you have blighted your show once again.

Utterances of the Damned

* I don't have the bandwidth -- A perfectly fine word for the transmission capacity of electronic communications has been transmogrified into a business cliché for personal time. Even in its correct form the word has been dying since 2005, so the unoriginality is twice as acute. The next time a colleague complains of a lack of bandwidth, might I suggest that you engage in a little wordplay of your own. Tell them that, based on their bi-weekly trip to the Macaroni Grill, they have plenty of "band width."

* There you go -- This patronizing response to another's attempt at humor is the spoken equivalent to a pat on the head (and is usually accompanied by a preening smile and a "you-da-man!" finger point). Please, either serve up a full-throttle, white-lie laugh or have the honesty to level with your office's Pauly Shore about his lack of comic skills.

* Sooner, rather than later -- Are not the final three words strongly implied by the first? Indeed, a full 75% of this bizarre expression of urgency is unnecessary. Imagine the same cadence in other situations: "This coffee's too hot, rather than cold." "Pump me harder, rather than softer!" (Apologies -- I never miss a chance to paraphrase from the late-night Cinemax classic, Shaving Ryan's Privates.)

Adjectivally Challenged

“The moment one gives close attention to any thing, even a blade of grass it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself.”
- Henry James

"The Dark Knight was awesome."
- Probably You

"Awesome" overkill started innocently, as part of the Valley zeitgeist of the early '80s. When Jeff Spicoli shouted "Awesome! Totally awesome!" in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, his was a sincere, pot-fueled burst of exuberance, a West Coast bridge to the "groovy" legacy of the '70s. His character found a comically absurdist way of reforming Henry James's beauty-is-everywhere meaning. But now the word has been drained of its glory by millions of linguistically challenged mammals who carelessly flick it in front of every item or event that induces modest pleasure.

That which truly inspires awe? The Manhattan skyline. The Grand Canyon. The sea. Birth. That which should not? Most everything else, including an over-edited superhero sequel marked by a morose lead performance. I can guarantee that your meeting was not "awesome," nor was your burger, your coffee, your friend's joke or your child's crappy 1st grade play.

Banish These Practices

* Feng Shui Consulting - Feng shui, the ancient bullshit art of arranging objects to facilitate positive "energy," has spawned that ubiquitous cottage industry: the consultant. That's right -- a few thousand dollars can earn you the services of people like Rodika Tchi (whose picture, below, is even more grating than her faux Far East moniker). According to her about.com bio, "Ms. Tchi has been feng shui consulting for numerous private residences and businesses for more than 10 years and has taught feng shui at the University of British Columbia." Taught? Feng Shui? At a University? I can only imagine their course offerings: Molecular Biology, Business Administration and The Art of Moving Your Couch Three Inches to the Left.

Rodika Tchi

* Dumping Gatorade on Winning Coaches - This annoying practice has been giving coaches hypothermia since 1985. (Sometimes worse. 72-year-old coach Coach George Allen died not long after his Long Beach State players dumped a bucket of ice-water on him following a season-ending victory.) Last year, Boston Celtics coach Doc Rivers was even showered with the hideous substance on a basketball court. 1985 is the year that brought us such cultural touchstones as New Coke and Eddie Murphy's "Party All the Time." Do we really want anything else from that era to survive?

* Saying "Knock Knock" Instead of Knocking - A knock is a socially acceptable auditory intrusion. Softly saying the words as you peek into my office does not reduce its impact. It is akin to poking a goose feather at my earlobe.