The Double Entendre Is Not the Funny Part

Late last night, during a somnambulant round of Comcast channel surfing, I came across a movie called “Big and Hairy.” As it turned out, the title was not the funny, nor titillating, part.

“Big and Hairy,” I quickly learned, is a sub-mental, 1998 made-for-TV movie starring former Walton, Richard Thomas and featuring a character named Picasso Dewlap. So why bring up this relic, if not to snicker at its masturbatory title? Because, patient reader, the description of the movie turned out to be the most inadvertently hilarious bit of copy I’ve read in years. Here it is, word for word:

“A boy recruits a young Bigfoot onto his basketball team, with unforeseen consequences.”

This transcendent little sentence gave way to a cascade of questions:

• Why was it only after Bigfoot joined the basketball team that “unforeseen” events occurred?
• Wouldn’t unforeseen-moment-number-one be the mere presence of a 10-foot beast?
• Don’t unforeseen consequences require a control group of seen consequences?
• If so, where is the history of Sasquatch hardwood action from whence to draw comparisons?
• In this vein, what could possibly be unforeseen – that he only pulled down 15 rebounds per game? That his outside shot was a bit flat?
• Ultimately, wouldn’t the only unforeseen consequence be Bigfoot not ripping the limbs from every opposing player?